Yahoo Autos Toyota Camry, BMW X5, Volkswagen Jetta TDI: The Least Dope Cars I Found for Sale Online
Happy April Fools, y’all. It’s that hallowed day when everyone just makes stuff up and pretends it’s 100-percent totally real, often committing way too hard to the bit and making sure it’s not fun for anyone. I, of course, would never do that to you. I’ve never committed to a bit in my life. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
On this day of not doing bits, it’s time for our regularly scheduled slideshow: The Least Dope Cars available online. Through Facebook Marketplace and Craigslist, I’ve found a wealth of examples — cars that are either born un-Dope, or cars that through their condition or advertising have un-Dopeness thrust upon them. Let’s take a look.
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2000 Toyota Camry - $800
The Toyota Camry may not be the singular dopest car in history, but it’s a good one — same, comfortable, reliable. It’s a time-honored steed, always ready and willing to take you wherever your travels point. At least, most Camries are. This one is a little different.
This Camry has seen better days, but the seller claims it still runs and drives. The airbags have popped, but my favorite little detail is that the front bumper is already an unpainted crash repair — this isn’t the first front-end collision of this poor Camry’s life. Certified not dope.
1997 Jaguar XK 8 - $999
This Jaguar’s photos appear to be from a salvage auction, but the seller is asking a fixed price for what’s left of the car — a classic sign of someone trying to flip a car for a quick buck. Already, we’re running down the path of un-Dopeness here.
A Jaguar XK8 is a cool car, sure, but this one has had some hard years in its past. It’s described as having “Slight damage” to the rear quarter panel, which makes me wonder what this seller would consider severe damage. An asteroid, maybe?
2001 Lexus RX300 - $1,100
I’ll confess: I don’t consider the Lexus RX to be particularly dope. Nothing against Mom Cars as a whole, but the RX (particularly in this early era; the newer ones have grown on me a bit) just has so little road presence — especially in silver. Also, my own mom almost bought one, so. Y’know.
This Lexus is, cosmetically, mostly fine. It’s got a few scuffs and scrapes, nothing too major, but the mechanical side is where it truly begins to fall apart. The seller claims the transmission is bad — the car needs to be towed, and with only 253,000 miles on the clock. For a Toyota product, that’s basically the break-in period.
1984 Pontiac “Fierro” - $1,100
If this were a Fiero, this would be a truly dope car. A mid-engined, rear-wheel-drive, manual transmission coupe for just $1,100? One that apparently runs perfectly well, but the seller is unloading because it’s too loud for public roads? That’s the kind of deal most people wait their entire lives for.
But, of course, this isn’t a Fiero. It’s a Fierro. Whatever that is.
2010 Chevy Impala - $800
This Impala is described as being “in good condition external and internally,” but a look at those wheels says that might be a stretch. Also the myriad bumps and bruises on the car’s exterior, but let’s be frank: The wheels are a bigger problem.
Of course, the biggest problem is that this Impala doesn’t run. The seller claims it needs a full engine replacement, and that they simply don’t have the funds together to make the car drivable. You could, if you wanted, swap in an SS motor and have yourself the vehicle from the opening scene of Drive (2011). That’s what I’d do.
2004 Nissan Quest - $1,100
As a staunch defender of the minivan, I’m willing to call the Quest — in concept — dope. It holds a lot of people and all their stuff, and does so for not much money. It’s not the flashiest game in town, but it’s a job that needs doing. For that, I respect it.
But this Quest is a bit unusual. For starters, the hood appears to have been caved in, possibly by some supernatural entity. The seller’s concise ad copy (“Nissan quest. 2004 only 99k/Running great/Need minor body work”) doesn’t mention whether these supernatural entities are still connected to the car, and whether they may rear their heads again to wreak vengeance on the car’s next owner. Be careful.
2002 Infiniti I35 - $1,700
Time has not been kind to this Infiniti I35. What was once the height of luxury, accordingly named for the road from Minnesota to Mexico, now lies sun-damaged and broken in someone’s suburban driveway. It costs a mere $1,700.
The inciting incident for this car’s downfall seems to have been the failure of its engine — a misfire code, leaving the seller unconvinced of the car’s future reliability. Maybe it’s just a coil pack, or maybe it isn’t. Do you want to spend $1,700 to find out?
