The Sherp laughs at your bourgeoise crossovers ending up stuck up to their door handles.
Unless you’ve been living under a muddy dry lake for the last week or so, you’ve probably heard about the mud-covered hellscape that caused Burning Man festival attendees to become stranded in the Black Rock desert with dwindling supplies of food and water (and presumably psychedelic drugs).
The problem is that, being a dry lake, the ultra-fine dust that normally makes up the surface of Black Rock — aka playa — turns to prehistoric sludge when it gets wet, which happens almost never, except for this last week when that area saw around three months worth of rain dump in a few hours.
The Unimog is an obvious answer to the Burning Man mud solution (or the one of them that isn’t code for diarrhea, anyway). The Unimog was originally designed to help rebuild a bombed-out post-war Germany so it’s massive, slow, and almost preternaturally capable off road. Just look at those tires! No desert muck will stop this beast.
Arctic Trucks Toyota Hilux
You may know this most beastly of Hiluxes from Top Gear’s Arctic Circle race or James May’s attempt to drive up a volcano. Well, not this one exactly, but one just like this. This, like those, was made by Arctic Trucks, and in addition to the wildly aggressive body and cool LED lighting, you may notice that it’s packing some serious rubber. Wide and capable of very low inflation pressures, which would allow an intrepid Burner to simply skate over the hell-mud.
Series 1 Land Rover
If this seems like a hard left turn from our previous suggestions, it is, but also it isn’t. The Series 1 Land Rover is tiny, very light and has a reputation for getting around muddy fields and roads like a mountain goat. Is it a guaranteed trip out of the muck? No, but if you fail, it’s probably your fault, and at least people will be excited to talk to you about your car.
This Mud-Bogging Limousine Thing
This is pretty Burning Man even if it doesn’t rain, but if it does, think of how many tech bros you can part from their overstuffed bank accounts by offering rides out. Also, you can dress like a steampunk chauffeur which also fits the theme of the festival. Win-win-win.
This one explains itself.
Literally Anything From The Game Snowrunner
Sure, most of the trucks on SnowRunner aren’t real, or at least they’re rights-free versions of weird Soviet trucks, but the real versions would have no problem navigating Black Rock. Also, throw some speakers and a DJ booth in the back and even if things don’t go all Woodstock ‘94 you’re gonna be in a good situation.
Giant tires. No suspension. Diesel engine, and the whole thing floats. It’s gotta be a Sherp. Super aesthetically Burner-appropriate and even if the mud turns into a flood, you’re golden with this lil fella. Normally, I’d say that if Rich Rebuilds buys something, you definitely shouldn’t, but in this case I’m doing a 180 on that. Definitely buy a Sherp.
Maybe you’re a long-time Burner who wasn’t able to sell their app and so you don’t have Unimog or Sherp money. How then should you make your escape from what is rapidly devolving into a recipe for some good ol’ fashioned post-apocalyptic cannibalism? Why, the Rokon Trailbreaker of course! This little beauty is under $10,000 new and features two-wheel drive, plenty of places to strap things down and a fix-it-with-a-hammer lawnmower engine.
450cc Barbie Jeep
You’re not bringing a lot of stuff with you if you roll into the festival on this pretty lil princess, but you won’t care about that when you’re making your escape on a 50-hp death-kart while others slowly mummify in the alkaline playa mud. The fellas at Grind Hard Plumbing Co build a lot of wild stuff, but this is a favorite for a reason.
If you’re truly committed to festival survival, then look no further than this was-going-to-be-nuclear-powered overland road train that the US Army almost built. Sure, there would be some ahem “minor development costs” associated with getting it functional, but seeing stranded #vanlife nerds brown their trousers as you approach their ex-FedEx Sprinter would be worth it, right?
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