How to Deal With a Narcissistic Parent

Signs of a narcissistic parent and advice for navigating the relationship.

Medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition in which someone is extremely motivated by their own self-image and self-preservation. People with NPD often have a very high sense of self-importance, lack empathy, and will put themselves above the feelings of others—even their children.

Children raised by a narcissistic parent often deal with a range of issues that can follow them through adulthood, including poor self-esteem, people pleasing, and codependency. Creating boundaries around a narcissistic parent is key to healing and moving forward. Ahead, we’re covering some key signs of a narcissistic parent, the toll this behavior can take on a child, and how to deal with a narcissistic parent.

Related:What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

12 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent

It is sometimes hard to spot a narcissistic parent—especially narcissistic parents to young children who cannot express themselves—because they tend to control the image of their parenting very well. As the child gets older, though, signs often become more apparent. Rachel Ruiz, LCSW, says that in her experience these are some of the most common behaviors of a narcissistic parent:

• Talking exclusively about themselves and their accomplishments as a parent.

• Reminding you often about all the things they’ve done for you, especially in a way that’s manipulative or used as leverage in a situation.

• Having consistently low tolerance when your needs get in the way of their own, which may result in anger outbursts or temper tantrums.

• Dismissing when you communicate day-to-day struggles and redirecting the conversation back to themselves.

• Making expectations a “moving target" so that it becomes almost impossible to satisfy them or earn their approval. Once you meet an expectation, another one is set without recognition of the accomplishment.

• Taking the “spotlight” away from you when others give you attention or praise. This can prevent you from making meaningful relationships with people who are positive influences in your life.

• Being inattentive or detached.

• Expecting you to adapt to their needs and schedule regardless of what’s going on in your life.

• Demonstrating an inability to receive constructive criticism or feedback. Or, if they do accept feedback when it's given, they later deny what was discussed.

• Inability to apologize or take responsibility for their actions, even when you’ve brought up something that hurt or offended you.

• Complaining often that you or others are the problem instead of taking responsibility for hurtful actions

• A demonstrated pattern of poor relationships with not just their children, but with others in their life, including partners, colleagues, and friends.

A Note About “Diagnosing” NPD in Others

Narcissism can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional following an assessment of someone’s biological, social, and psychological factors. That said, many people with NPD won’t ever be formally diagnosed due to the nature of their condition.

“It can help to recognize when it’s possible a parent has NPD so you can understand how to interact with them,” says Ruiz. She adds, “The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) notes that NPD is a ‘pervasive pattern,’ so you would want to notice these cues ongoing and in a way that impacts the overall quality of the relationship.”

Related:5 Types of Narcissism and How to Spot Them

The Toll of a Narcissistic Parent

Narcissistic parents consistently fail to engage in empathy or compassion with their children, which can have negative impacts that last into adulthood.

Fawn Response

Also referred to as “people pleasing,” fawning is one of the most common coping mechanisms people experience when raised by narcissistic parents.

“Fawn response is when you appease the ‘threat’ by befriending them, so you can reduce the chance of becoming a target,” notes Ruiz. “Narcissistic parents are very difficult to please, and we all have a natural drive to gain approval from our parents.”

This can present as an inability to say no without feeling guilt, being overly accommodating to the point your needs are neglected, and having poor boundaries.

Mimicking