Yahoo Autos Smack Talk: Chevy Silverado EV and the Tesla Cybertruck
From the September/October 2024 issue of Car and Driver.
SILVERADO: I can't believe I got parked here next to you. I hope none of my friends see me.
CYBERTRUCK: Because you'll look so banal next to the most desirable truck on earth
SILVERADO: No, because you're so dorky. You're like if Dungeons & Dragons had a steering wheel.
CYBERTRUCK: Ha. I don't even have a steering wheel. It's called a squircle, and it's less than one turn lock to lock.
SILVERADO: See what I mean? In the Bob Seger song catalog, I'm "Like a Rock" and you're "Shame on the Moon."
CYBERTRUCK: I've never heard of that one.
SILVERADO: It's a deep cut. Like the ones people get from your bodywork.
CYBERTRUCK: I'm stainless steel, baby. Impervious to dents and scratches. Pretty much the toughest skin on any truck.
SILVERADO: Oh yeah, you sure are rugged. That's why the exterior-cleaning section of your owner's manual says: "Do not wash in direct sun-light... Do not use hot water... Do not aim water hoses directly at windows, door, or hood seals... Avoid using tight-napped or rough cloths, such as washing mitts... Use touchless car washes only." And you didn't even last two days at EV of the Year before shearing a front half-shaft. I've seen tougher EVs from Power Wheels.
CYBERTRUCK: Yeah, well, I have native charging at Superchargers. Where do you charge?
SILVERADO: At your mom's house.
CYBERTRUCK: More like my dad's house, with his permission. Also, you're boring.
SILVERADO: You collect more fingerprints than the NYPD homicide squads.
CYBERTRUCK: You're the perfect truck for every one who ever said, "If only the Chevy Avalanche weighed as much as Gibraltar."
SILVERADO: Your windshield wiper works about as well as a squeegee guy with a bucket of shrimp gumbo.
CYBERTRUCK: I like your midgate. That makes it so people can sleep inside, which should come in handy since you're boring enough to induce narcolepsy.
SILVERADO: And I like your power tonneau cover. I hope there's enough room under there for all your emotional baggage.
CYBERTRUCK: I've got a 48-volt electrical architecture.
SILVERADO: I hear raccoons keep trying to break into you because you look like a dumpster.
CYBERTRUCK: You're just jealous of my steer-by-wire system.
SILVERADO: Sure. Car buyers love steer-by-wire. That's why the Infiniti Q50 is the best selling car in the world.
CYBERTRUCK: You're so porky, when you drive onto a truck-stop scale, it reads "One at a time!"
SILVERADO: I'll keep that in mind when I've driven your claimed range of 318 miles and can still do over 100 more—steering and changing lanes on my own, thanks to Super Cruise. How's that Full Self Driving coming along, by the way?
CYBERTRUCK: I've been hearing it's almost ready. Any day now, probably, I'll get an over-the-air update and be able to drive anywhere I want, all by myself.
SILVERADO: Cool. Do you have a specific date for when that will happen?
CYBERTRUCK: It's in beta. Like, the final betas, probably. Machine learning. AI. Neural network. Gigabit ethernet. Quantum computing.
SILVERADO: Now you're just spouting techy nonsense.
CYBERTRUCK: No, you're pumping your stock price. What?
SILVERADO: I'm just saying that I under-promise and overdeliver, and you're out there with people thinking you can "serve briefly as a boat," your body will stop bullets, and you're as quick as a Lamborghini.
CYBERTRUCK: And all of that is true, which is pretty wild, isn't it? Although the first point is true of any truck. It just depends on your definition of "briefly."
SILVERADO: Oh, oh—do you hear what I hear?
CYBERTRUCK: Is that... Limp Bizkit?
RAM REV: [Shouting over "Nookie"] What's up, buttheads?! Who wants to go to Panama City? I bet you're in, Space Fridge!
[Cybertruck and Silverado back away slowly.]
SILVERADO: Maybe you're not so bad.
CYBERTRUCK: You either. Hey, wanna go grab a charge with Lightning?
SILVERADO: Sure. Let's say, Electrify America?
[Silverado and Cybertruck both laugh.]
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