Thieves Pull Off The Great Pistachio Heist

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We’re a little concerned about our friends to the north after Waterloo Regional Police in Ontario, Canada let the public know a great pistachio heist had been pulled off. Apparently, Canadians are stealing shipments of the little nuts in what we assume is some sort of get rich quick scheme.

Learn about the Great Houston Meat Heist.

The incident in question happened on January 20 at about 9:30 pm in Wilmot Township. If you’ve been through there you might be tempted to think of that as some quiet, nice little area but we now know it’s a hotbed of criminal nut activity.

Police say a truck used to transport about $70,000 CAD of pistachios went missing from a business’ yard in the area of Foundry Street and Gingerich Road. What kind of monster would steal even a handful of pistachios, let alone an entire truck loaded with them?

An investigation is ongoing, but we hope police are shaking down all the known black market nut dealers right now. After all, back on November 5, 2023 a shipment of walnuts was stolen from a different business located in the area of Eagle Street Noth and Hespeler Road in the city of Cambridge.

Ontario has just become too unsafe for nut transport and it’s time the authorities do something about the problem. After all, the chances these two nut heists are related is quite high. If something doesn’t happen, No Nut November could take on a different meaning in Ontario later this year.

While it’s true that Canadians eat fries topped with cheese curds and gravy, we don’t particularly hold that against them. But this whole pistachio black market thing is really making us reconsider calling for a complete sealing of our border to the north. This kind of behavior is truly troubling.

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