Amusing yourself with a 550-hp station wagon: Motoramic TV

It’s always dangerous to engage in hyperbole, particularly when that hyperbole pertains to some sort of world title (witness the bickering between Bugatti and Guinness over the Veyron’s top-speed honors). But I feel confident proclaiming that the Mercedes-Benz E63 AMG wagon rivals the Batman roller coaster as the world’s most effective way to impart G-forces on your children. That’s just a fact.

If you care to prove me wrong, find me another wagon that does 0-60 mph in 3.6 seconds. OK, that’s the number for the 2014 model, which has all-wheel-drive. But the rear-wheel-drive 2013 model still knocks off 60 mph in 4.2 seconds (and surely does better burnouts). Hold onto your Happy Meals, everybody!

The car that I drove was fitted with the $6,550 AMG Performance Package, which bumps the twin-turbo 5.5-liter V-8’s output from 518 to 550 hp, and torque from 516 lb.-ft. to a monstrous 590 lb.-ft. Top speed, while still electronically limited, rises to 186 mph, the better to execute those school runs that happen to include long stretches of derestricted autobahn. While we’re gleefully checking options boxes, I’d also spring for the limited slip differential ($2,030) but might pause at the carbon ceramic brakes—$12,625. Aw, get those, too. Honey, it’s safety equipment. For the kids.