The Bachelor recap: Zach breaks his own 'no sex' rule in the Fantasy Suites

This week on The Bachelor, Zach's best-laid plans not to get laid during Fantasy Suites week went predictably awry — but he still managed to choose his final two.

Let's recap!

The final leg of Zach's "journey" brings us to Krabi, Thailand, where Jesse Palmer has traded in his signature sweaters for a jaunty pink linen oxford. The host asks Zach if he's got PTSD about Fantasy Suites since that was the week his "relationship" with Rachel imploded on The Bachelorette. Zach says all he can really do is "trust the heart, trust the gut" while going into Fantasy Suites week, but he also has another guiding principle: "No sex."

Rose lovers, let us pause for a moment to enjoy Palmer's reaction to this bombshell.

ABC Palmer is shook

The host recovers nicely, though. "Okay," he says. "What brought you to that decision?" Five words, pal: Sean "born-again virgin" Lowe. Zach explains that the former Bachelor "took a very similar approach" during his season and counseled him to do what feels "right" for him. Palmer's all, "Just between you, me, and the lamppost, bro, do you really think you're gonna be able to keep it in your pants?" (I'm paraphrasing.) The Bachelor is resolute, though he admits it'll be "really damn hard" to keep his "animalistic desire" in check. (Ewww.)

It'll be interesting to see how Ariel feels about Zach's "no sex" edict, especially because she — like many, many people — believes that physical intimacy is "a big part" of a relationship.

But there'll be plenty of time to have that super fun conversation. First up, Zach and Ariel take a Tuk Tuk into the city for a trip to a night market, where they sample some local delicacies.

ABC A protein pick-me-up

Grubs, intestines, seafood, pastries — they try it all. But Zach can barely keep his mind on the food. "When I kiss Ariel, my body just gets hot," he admits. "Oh my God, somebody turn on the AC!" Ariel is feeling equally randy. "Sparks are literally flying," she says with a giggle.

ABC Zach and Ariel

Meanwhile, back at the Sofitel Krabi Phokeetra hotel, Gabi is freaking out a little bit. "It is so hard to sit here for hours and hours, just waiting and waiting and waiting," she says. "It literally sucks. I know he's with someone else… Right now, I'm feeling a lot of insecurity and doubt." Of course, you are, Gabi! If it's any consolation, your mental breakdown is arriving right on schedule.

Even though they chowed down on a bunch of Thai food at the night market, Ariel and Zach still must go through the motions of a "dinner portion" of the date. But we all know that on The Bachelor, dinner has nothing to do with food; it's all about Opening Up™. "I definitely am falling for you," she tells Zach. "I definitely am falling in love with you." Naturally, he LOVES it. "I can absolutely see a future with you," he gushes.

With that, Zach whips out the Fantasy Suite card — and before she can accept or reject the invitation, he tentatively lays down some ground rules. "I guess what I envision [for] what would be a happy engagement and a happy marriage, that this week in particular, sex being off the table," he says, mangling the English language spectacularly. "Like, sharing that intimate moment should be saved for that moment of engagement."

Ariel is clearly surprised by this news, but she takes it in stride — perhaps because she doesn't think Zach is going to keep his word. "I feel like if you set a standard before, 'I'm definitely not going to sleep with you,' like, you probably will by saying no," she says with a chuckle. "So I understand where you're coming from… But I want to use this time to spend time with you."

That's a yes, I guess. Ariel does admit in her confessional that she is "a little disappointed" by Zach's announcement, but "I always want him to feel supported." That said, she's heading into the Fantasy Suite with the goal of keeping the romance alive. "Who knows what's going to happen?"

Well, the first thing that's going to happen is you and Zach are going to make out, a lot — in the hall, in the pool, in the bed, etc. After that, the screen fades to black, and in the morning, we see them cuddling in bed.

ABC Ariel and Zach

Shall we listen in on their pillow talk? "You do, like, three different positions," says Ariel. "It was, like, the side…" Zach interjects: "Sleeping positions! To clarify." Sounds like our Bachelor kept his chastity belt on all night. Good for him, I guess?

After a quick breakfast, Zach heads off for his next date with… Gabi!

ABC Gabi hits the beach

"Last night, I mean, like, I was, like, freaking out," she admits. "Honestly, I need to just get out of my own head." She's sweaty, her self-tanner is melting, and she might even stink a little, but Gabi is going into this date with a mission: "I want to tell Zach how much my feelings have grown for him."

Today's date involves a sailboat ride to a private beach. Weirdly, production didn't set up any towels or anything so when Zach and Gabi get to the beach, they have to plop their wet butts down in the sand. (I'm getting itchy just thinking about it.) The Bachelor asks Gabi how she's been doing since hometowns, and she confesses that the week has been hard, in part because of how the Fantasy Suite dates have been scheduled.

"In previous relationships I was kind of like chosen second, and so, like, not seeing you for so long and then being the second Fantasy Suite, I was like, 'Oh, I feel very second again,'" says Gabi, who acknowledges that she's probably just getting herself worked up over nothing. After all, it's not like Zach has any control over what order the dates are filmed — or any other aspect of his "journey," if we're being honest. The Bachelor assures her that he's not playing mind games and is just trying to figure out this finding-a-wife-on-TV thing as he goes. Still, Gabi needs a minute to compose herself behind the safety of some palm fronds.

ABC Give her a minute, folks!

"I feel very stupid and foolish, and I hate this," she sobs. "I feel disgusting. I feel ugly. I feel all sorts of things. Why can't I be happy?"

Awww, this makes me sad — in part because it's so relatable. Women of the world, why are we so hard on ourselves? Gabi is a gorgeous, smart, funny woman with an actual job, and yet she berates herself like a mediocre man never would. Eventually Zach comes to check on her, and Gabi just lays it all out there. "I'm just so overtired and so emotional," she says. "I'm just a human… It's hard!"

The Bachelor agrees. He wants Gabi to know that their relationship is "special," and that the order of the dates is not about "priority." He comforts her for a while longer, and then they head into the ocean to make out. By the time dinner rolls around, Gabi is feeling a lot better. "I feel safe to tell him that I am falling in love with him," she says. "And I know he'll want the Fantasy Suite." Well… yes and no. But more on that in a minute.

Gabi gives a little preamble, talking about how she's done a lot of work since her last crappy relationship to figure out what "worthwhile love" means to her, and then she delivers the "I'm falling in love with you" news. Zach breaks out in a big, goofy grin and then leans in for a kiss. You know what comes next, rose lovers:

Nice handwriting

Okay, Zach. Take it away: "To a lot of people, this week is viewed as… sex week," he begins. "I think what feels right to me is approaching this entire week not having sex with Fantasy Suites… To me, it's probably the healthiest way to go about it."

Is it, though? Gabi isn't sure. "Sex is important in a relationship," she says. "Did I think I was going to get engaged to somebody that I've never had sex with? Probably not," she continues, laughing. "But we're gonna work on it later. I won't try to seduce you."

You probably won't have to, honey. As they make their way to the Fantasy Suite, Gabi tries to talk herself into why the no sex rule might be a good thing. "He's saving it for the right person, which means he's not test-driving anything. He knows he wants a Porche." That's right, girl — you're a luxury vehicle. Don't ever forget it.

Once inside the room, Gabi notes how large the bed is. "Lots of room for activities!" Within minutes they're lying down on it and making out. Like Ariel, Gabi is holding out hope that the Bachelor might make a game time decision when it comes to sexytime. "Zach says he's not having sex, but I don't know," she muses. "Maybe he will."

Cut to:

ABC Gabi and Zach

Looks like they had a good night. But… how good? All Gabi will admit to is "a great cuddle sesh," so I guess we'll have to wait for Palmer to get the full story out of Zach. Get in here, man! We have questions!

ABC Zach and Jesse

"It went really great with Gabi," Zach begins. "But remember our conversation this week, taking sex off the table? It changed with Gabi and our overnight. We both agreed and wanted to have sex together, and it was very special… I feel terrible because I've essentially, like, gone against my word." Yes, yes you have. Now the Bachelor is worried about how Kaity and Ariel will feel about this development, which he does not want to keep secret from them — and he's just hounded by guilt over the whole thing.