Taking a Ride in New York City’s “Taxi of Tomorrow”

Get used to this punim, New York. It will soon be ubiquitous. Still, viewed from head on, it is relatively endearing, in a smirking, manga-mouse kind of way. Also, notably narrow. Like, European narrow.

Unlike in the Crown Vic, into which you fold yourself—and your carryout, and your open umbrella, and your paper sack of rye and sweet vermouth—like a Thai contortionist, the ToT has wide, sliding doors into which you simply walk. This may recall the adolescent shame of getting in and out of your mom’s minivan, but if it does, just remember that these portals make the sudden clothes-lining of passing bicyclists—of which there are many—nearly impossible. And that they also make access for the differently abled much, much more possible.

The sporty, yellow-stitched seats run three across comfortably, in part because there is no hump to clamber over on your way from curbside to inside. Also the surfaces on which you sit are covered in an anti-microbial fabric, which, although it will likely do little to prevent World War Z, is still two standard deviations closer to fake leather than the Motel 6 shower curtain that covers the bench in the Crown Vic.

Once you’re ensconced, you are treated to a whole host of new amenities. Down by your knees, there is a pair of USB ports for charging your smartphone and hacking into the meter box. Just above this is a control panel for your very own heat and air-conditioning unit, the adjustment of which will still elicit passive-aggressive expressions of ire from your driver. Also a cigarette-lighter port for all of your cigarette-lighter-port-compatible devices, because it’s 2013 and apparently we still haven’t figured out how to turn “car electricity” into “regular electricity.”

There’s also an intercom, the functionality of which we are somewhat suspicious. Meaning we much prefer speaking directly to the driver through a standard Plexiglass partition, as this clear divider also allows us to demonstrate our fluency in Taxieese, a gestural and universal language closely related to the pan-European dialect Desperanto. Also, we cringe at the idea of the driver having to suffer, 75 times a day, some ass-hat who presses the button and says, “Home, James.”

Sadly, Taxi TV has been renewed for another eternal season. In fact, the screen is bigger than ever, making WABC Entertainment Reporter Sandy Kenyon that much more grating.

There are sliding windows in each of the doors, which give the side view a slightly fortress-like quality, again, enhancing the illusion that this could come in handy during the Zombie Apocalypse.

Fortunately, a large portion of the roof is given over to a giant glass sunroof. It does not open, but its expansive passing on of natural light does allow you to pretend that your life consists of more than simply shuttling between work, job, gym, and drunken outings from which you need to be ferried home by a professional driver. Also, it makes it easier to ogle the hot guys on billboards.

Is that a navigation screen in the driver’s center console? Yes, it is! Never again will you have to explain that it takes three rights to get from the Williamsburg Bridge to Bedford Avenue. You will, however, still have to spell out the difference between Charles, Clarkson, and Charlton Streets and enumerate the difference between West 17th and West 70th. Idea for the Taxi of Tomorrow-Never-Comes: place redundant controls for the navigation system in the passenger compartment.

Are we at the bank? Or a shitty Chinese restaurant? No! We are in the Taxi of Tomorrow.

It is not just passengers who receive an upgrade to Economy Plus. The driver benefits from a more comfortable and adjustable seat, more functional airbags (there are some of these in the back for the first time, too), an oxymoronic “low-annoyance” horn, and a front passenger seat that converts into a makeshift computer workstation (?!) or picnic table. The money slot from the previous slide is directly above this area, allowing passengers to smell whatever interesting food might be placed here.

See that tiny cutout behind the front passenger door? That may or may not be the fuel-filler door. But it reminds us that this vehicle will go approximately twice as far on a gallon of gas as the outgoing artifact. This is a benefit to the drivers, who have to pay for gas. And to the earth, which, along with its inhabitants, also “pays” for gas.

See that tiny cutout behind the front passenger door? That may or may not be the fuel-filler door. But it reminds us that this vehicle will go approximately twice as far on a gallon of gas as the outgoing artifact. This is a benefit to the drivers, who have to pay for gas. And to the earth, which, along with its inhabitants, also “pays” for gas.