Yahoo Autos Year in Review: The Automotive Winners and Losers of 2016
From the January 2017 issue
Winners: U.S. VW Owners
The half-million U.S. owners of Volkswagen and Audi 2.0 TDIs affected by the company’s software cheat will get checks for somewhere between $5100 and $10,000, plus the chance to sell back their cars at the pre-scandal value. In Germany, the millions of owners of VW’s smoggy diesels will get bupkes, just a software update to periodically remind drivers that instead of lawyers, Germany has the autobahn and the Nürburgring.
Loser: Bernie
Formula 1 also suffered its own tribulations when Brazilian kidnappers nabbed boss Bernie Ecclestone’s current mother-in-law (who is 18 years younger than Bernie) and held her for nine days until police busted the ring and freed her. “All my friends know that I wouldn’t pay a penny for a mother-in-law,” Bernie told the Sunday Times, “although I’d say she’s a good mother-in-law.”
Winner: Jeremy Clarkson
Just the opening scene of Jeremy Clarkson’s new Amazon Prime car show, The Grand Tour, was reported to cost about $3 million, of which $2 million went to catering, to be sure.
Loser: Mercedes-Benz
Though Mercedes-Benz ordered 12,500 Saitenwürschtle sausages for an April shareholders’ meeting attended by 5500, some skinflinty Swabian was seen stuffing sausages in his pockets for later. The Berlin cops had to be called to break up a food fracas, reportedly sparked when a BMW owner cut into the buffet line without signaling.
Winner: Elon Musk
Autonomous Teslas have crashed, a SpaceX rocket did a spectacular kablooey on the pad, doubts swirled about the Model 3, and Elon Musk himself was paid just $37,584 in 2015, or minimum wage in California. But at least he can boast that there’s a heavy-metal band paying him tribute, something even Malcolm Bricklin never could say. Raptor Command’s mission, according to the band’s website, is to “raise awareness of and promote Elon Musk’s futurist ideas and visions for the future of humanity.” Its first and only single, “Elon: Champion for Humanity,” includes the following possibly Nobel-worthy lyrics: “Racing to the future/he puts the pedal down/one hundred thousand watts at his command. Rocketing to the stars/on to Mars we fly/heed his call, before the planet dies!” Musk said he was keen to see the band play live but, alas, couldn’t afford the cover.
Loser: Formula 1
Ferrari team principal and former Phillip Morris exec Maurizio Arrivabene got arrested in Singapore and fined about $800 for tossing a cigarette butt on the street. Singapore is not your ashtray any more than Malaysia has a Gay Prix, as nine Aussies discovered after landing in jail for dropping their drawers during the post-race celebration.
Winner: Gordon Murray
Celebrated McLaren F1 designer Gordon Murray says it was boxes of IKEA furniture that inspired him to create the OX, a cheap cargo truck for the developing world with a waterproof laminated-plywood body that packs flat for shipping. The OX has a small diesel engine and a 2.1-ton payload, and it comes with a stoned roommate to help assemble it.
Loser: Dodge Dart
The Dodge Dart is going the way of the lawn dart, though because of slow sales rather than the likelihood of spearing small children. Unsold Darts are being recycled into the Ram’s new giant tailgate badge, which is about four feet high and an inch thick, and offered with optional Bluetooth and satellite radio.
Winner: Jeep
Though the Jeep brand gratuitously employs the tagline “Since 1941” and this year marked its 75th anniversary, the actual 75th doesn’t happen until 2025, we figure. In 1941, the word “jeep” was just GI slang for a variety of vehicles, but it wasn’t until 1950 that the government awarded Willys-Overland the Jeep trademark, meaning this year’s celebration amounts to premature ejeepulation.
Loser: Texas Dealers
Car dealerships in Texas suffered the worst hail season in memory, with 110,000 vehicles damaged at a cost of $560 million. So, only nine more plagues to go.
Winner: Datsun
Nissan has revived the long-dormant Datsun brand in India with the $3584 Datsun redi-GO, a microhatchback with a 799-cc three-cylinder, 13-inch wheels, and a customer helpline that is only a local call. The tiny car’s main drawbacks are low power, cheap trim, and the fact that not many people can fit on the roof.
Loser: Paris
Along with pocket pagers, Beanie Babies, and Rollerblades, all cars built before 1997 have been banned by Paris from entering the city on weekdays. Which means that not one decent French car can drive in the capital of France. Owners are circulating a repeal petition on America Online.
Winner: Škoda? Škoda!
Often described as “yesterday’s Volkswagens today,” VW’s cheap Czech brand, Škoda, is said to be pondering a move into the U.S. market. Which means VW has finally figured out what to do with all the diesel cars it’s buying back.
Loser: Fisker
Proving yet again the validity of the Streisand effect, British automaker Aston Martin threatened to sue car designer and hybrid entrepreneur Henrik Fisker if he showed his decidedly Aston-like Fisker Force 1 at the Detroit auto show. Whereupon Fisker sued Aston for $100 million, whereupon the entire world suddenly learned of the Fisker Force 1.
Winner: Isle of Man
Famous for its deadly Tourist Trophy motorcycle road race, the Isle of Man, between England and Northern Ireland, has declared itself a haven for autonomous vehicles. The independent government has invited automakers to come and freely test their robo-cars on the island’s undulating roads, where there have already been many brief experiments with riderless bikes.
