Yahoo Autos Things You Almost Never See Anymore
YES, IT'S TIME for another one of those catchall columns, where dozens of observations too weak and inconsequential to support a whole essay on their own (not that this problem has ever stopped me before) are paraded past for your consideration. They've been building up for a while, like too much junk in a small clos et, so it's time to open the door, step aside and let everything come clattering out. And here it is, a highly random, completely disorganized list of things you almost never see: Historic film footage of Juan Manuel Fangio swapping sponsor baseball caps in the winner's circle.
A modern gas station with a pair of pliers or a screwdriver anywhere on the premises.
Any driver of a small pickup truck with tinted windows and a custom sound system who plays heavy metal tapes so quietly at stoplights that other drivers are forced to shout, "Hey, turn that up! "
A NASCAR driver who wins a race and can't think of anyone to thank.
A police car racing to the head of a traffic bottleneck to issue a traffic ticket to a slow driver who has been holding up dozens of cars on a two-lane road.
A primer-gray Chevy with fender skirts, a garter on the mirror and Chopin's Nocturne in E-flat major on the tape deck.
A parking valet who does not bear a slight resemblance to Corey Allen, the young actor who drove his stolen car off a cliff while playing chicken with James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause.
The CEO of a major car company saying, "I think the reason our cars aren't selling is simply that they're quite a bit uglier than the cars available at all the other dealerships."
A truck stop with a special roped-off area and a sign that says, "Sports Car Buffs Only; no truck drivers will be seated until over-the-road MG and Porsche owners have been served."
An S-class Mercedes with an eight-ball shift knob.
A radar detector that can tell the difference between a state patrol car and a microwave oven full of fried onion rings.
A tire ad in the sports section of the paper that makes tires look narrower than they actually are.
A pinup calendar in any garage where the mechanics are unmarried or young enough to date the woman in the picture.
An oil or fuel additive that absolutely does not free sticky lifters.
Any driver ahead of you at a left-turn traffic arrow who has a visual-stimulus/ physical-response cycle of less that 12 seconds.
In any racing movie, an elder Formula 1 driver who actually survives the race after which he is supposed to retire and settle down in the south of France with his worried wife who just forgot to give him the lucky four-leaf clover medallion he always carries in the pocket of his driver's suit.
A European sports sedan moving steadily "down market" toward its humble roots in order to attract more buyers.
Any electric garage-door opener that appears to be solidly mounted, finely crafted or installed by people who had the faintest idea what they were doing.
A 16-year-old with a diesel car on his or her birthday list.
A space-saver spare that lends a note of dignity to the car on which it is mounted and doesn't make the driver feel like the sort of person who goes around with one pant leg tucked into his sock.
A car heater/defroster that, in subzero weather, blows nice hot air long before you really want it to.
A Volvo wagon with a Harley-Davidson sticker in the back window.
A classified ad in the paper that says, "Getting married, must buy sports car, motorcycle and new electric guitar."
An auto-parts store where they answer the phone.
An auto-parts store where they stop answering the phone long enough to wait on you when you finally drive down there in person.
A sports car that really attracts women, even though the driver doesn't.
A racing driver in any old movie who does not make too many steering corrections of too large an amplitude.
A New York cab driver who is not thrown into a state of total amnesia by the words "Hilton" or "La Guardia," when either word is spoken with a Midwestern accent.
A gasoline pump that doesn't hesitate for a few seconds after you pull the trigger, making you wonder if you've done something wrong or if you should have paid first.
Think of it: A classified ad in the paper that says, "Getting married, must buy sports car, motorcycle and new electric guitar."
A pay-first gas station that doesn't fill you with silent resentment over the wasted trip to the cashier's counter, during which you've been forced to predict how much fuel you'll need while simultaneously waxing nostalgic over the historic implication of the term "service station."
A guy talking on a car phone who bears no resemblance whatsoever to Michael Douglas in WallStreet.
An amateur driver who does not secretly believe the corner workers are admiring his superb driving skill.
An SCCA corner worker who thinks amateur drivers are higher on the evolutionary scale than ground squirrels.
An alignment job that allows your 40,000-mile radials to last more than about 8000 miles before the outer edges go totally bald.
A motor oil "especially formulated for yesterday's slower-revving, cooler-running engines, scientifically designed to promote sludge buildup."
A rusted-out 246 Dino for sale in a farmyard. A rusted-out 1974 Torino that is not for sale in a farmyard. A " Prisoner" episode in which Patrick McGoohan's Lotus Seven breaks an axle while racing through empty London streets in the morning.
Soap or towels in the sort of gas sta tion restroom where you really need them.
A James Bond movie in which Q- Branch provides Bond with an exotic British car that does not leak oil on the road and cause his pursuers to spin out.
A driver ahead of you at a traffic light who, when the light turns green, actually accelerates faster than you wish to go. Indy and Formula 1 teams whose uniforms don't trigger a subliminal desire to go bowling.
A favorite song whose reception on your car radio is not interrupted by a tunnel, electrical noise from nearby high-tension lines or a stronger signal from a station 900 miles away where the announcer is reading hog prices and wheat futures in a monotone voice on the Farm Hour.
A replacement tire that remotely matches the other three now-obsolete tires you bought at the same shop last year.
A radio DJ who actually tells you the name of the song you just heard, and who performed it, rather than engaging in "daring" repartee with the other guys in the studio.
A gas station with a sign that says, "RESTROOM FOR EMPLOYEES ONLY" where you are not tempted to ask the manager why, exactly, he thinks most people stop for gas.
A car magazine where the truly great literature within is not at least partially obscured by dozens of low-buck offers to renew the subscription you've already renewed at a much higher price, thank you very much.
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